Presidential Championship Series Week Three

Republican Presidential Championship Series

As we get closer to crowning an eventual opponent for Barack Obama, and college football’s bowl season begins, we continue our weekly rankings in the Presidential Championship Series. You can check out last week’s ranking here. Our ratings are based on a complicated mathematical formula, calculated on the back of a Burger King receipt, and entered into a Commodore 64 computer.  Here are the rankings for week three:

Ron PaulRon Paul – It is becoming clear that Ron Paul is the powerbroker of the group of nominees. His existence in the race may produce a brokered Republican National Convention, where he – in effect- gets to choose the nominee. Although Paul hovers between second and third in most polls, our computer rankings have put him in first place based on his “strength of schedule.” Unlike most of the other candidates, Paul has overcome:

His height – Many people don’t know that Ron Paul has to stand on phone books at every debate (which, in itself, is an accomplishment, because who knows where to find phone books anymore?) Although he is listed in our program at 6 feet, I suspect that figure is inflated, like the value of the dollar. He might be 6 feet in Euros.

His past racist statements – Paul receives a lot of support from White Supremacist groups, and has a multitude of racist quotes in his past, including saying that he wouldn’t have voted to get rid of the Jim Crow laws, and that “I think we can safely assume that 95 percent of the black males in that city are semi-criminal or entirely criminal.” He’s so lovable.

His crazy ideas – Ron Paul wants to build a fence along the Mexican border with barbed wire and machine guns. Ron Paul wants to let poor people who can’t afford doctors die. Ron Paul wants to end the Department of Education and all foreign aid. Ron Paul is like your crotchety old grandfather. He walked 2 miles to school in the snow every day, and if it snows, and you don’t want to walk to school, Ron Paul will shoot you in the face.

Newt GingrichNewt Gingrich – Newt is still leading in most polls, but falling quickly, because everyone assumes he will eventually do or say something stupid. I just hope Gingrich will stay in the race until the Holidays are over, because if he doesn’t, he might steal Christmas again, alienating all of the voters in Whoville. Even though Gingrich supported gay marriage in the past, he now says same-sex marriages diminish the institution. He left his wife while she was sick with cancer to marry a younger, prettier woman. Asking Newt Gingrich about anything concerning the institution of marriage is like asking Jerry Sandusky to be a Boy Scout Troop Leader.

John HuntsmanJohn Huntsman – John Huntsman was called the “only true conservative in the race” by columnist, and conservative intellectual George Will. The longer the clowns ahead of him battle for supremacy, Huntsman gathers momentum, and looks like a viable candidate. There is only one problem: Huntsman’s last employer was the Obama Administration. Not only does this preclude him from getting votes from the “Barack-Obama-is-the-Antichrist” contingent of the party, but you can’t legitimately say “the President needs to do something about jobs” if he gave you one.

Mitt RomneyMitt Romney – Mitt Romney’s stock is going down faster than a Kardashian at an All-Star game. People say it was a mistake to bet Rick Perry $10,000 in last week’s debate.  This proves Romney is not observant enough to be president. If Rick Perry couldn’t name the 3 federal agencies he would cut, you know he can’t count to 10,000. Everyone still assumes Mitt Romney will be the eventual nominee, including Romney himself, but I think Ron Paul May shank him with a sharp end of a toothbrush backstage at the next debate, because Romney never walked to school in the snow.

Michele BachmanMichele Bachman – Ol’ Crazy eyes isn’t even in the news anymore, but she still has that look in her eyes like you just broke up with her, and she’s going to get you back… just you wait. America did break up with Bachman, and I am nervous about what she is going to do to pay us back. Hopefully it will be something self-serving, like running for her state’s senate seat, or governorship, but I’m beginning to suspect she is up to something much more nefarious, like running as a third-party Tea Party candidate for President, subjecting us to many more hours of staring into those wild, blue, soulless eyes.

Rick PerryRick Perry – It was a terrible week for Perry. In Saturday’s Republican debate he was dazed and confused. The next day, while discussing Solyndra, the now-bankrupt company the Obama Administration awarded over $500 million dollars in loans, Perry said:

“No greater example of it than this administration sending millions of dollars into the solar industry, and we lost that money. I want to say it was over $500 million that went to the country Solyndra.”

Perry is not funny anymore. It’s kind of sad,  as if someone entered a monkey into a spelling bee. At first it’s wild and funny, but after a while, you want the monkey off stage so they can start spelling.  At the most recent debate, Perry said he is this race’s Tim Tebow. I agree. He’s terrible at his job, no one can explain what the hell he’s even doing here, and the only way he can win is with help from God.

Rick SantorumRick Santorum – Rick Santorum is a failed Republican Senator and when you google the definition of his name, it makes you throw up a little bit in your mouth. None of these are reasons why he won’t win. The reason he won’t win was put eloquently by a Republican supporter a few days ago: “He looks too gay.”

Also receiving votes this week:  Chris Christie, Donald Trump, The long-haired-guy-who-draws-on-the-whiteboard from the UPS commercial, Alex P. Keaton, Spiderman

Be sure to check back weekly to stay up to date with our Presidential Championship Series!

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