Presidential Championship Series

December 2, 2011 Posted by Michael Harriot in Features, The Way I See It

Republican Presidential Championship Series

Presidential Championship Series

As college football nears the end of its season, there is only one other American pastime that engulfs the country in endless furious debate about who is the best – presidential politics.

For years, sportswriters, fans and coaches were mired in an unending morass trying to determine who was the “true champion” of college football, until a group of geniuses created the Bowl Championship Series (BCS). Since 1998, this combination of experts, computers and polls have settled the question “Who should play for the Championship?” The BCS ranks the top teams on the college gridiron every year, ensuring that there will be one true champion in football.

Taking their lead, we have applied the same formula to rank the Republican presidential candidates. Each week, we will rank the presidential candidates as they battle for the right to face Barack Obama in the ultimate high-stakes game to decide who will serve as the leader of the free world. Our elite staff of statisticians (me), political pundits (me), media analysts (me) and technology professionals(me) have devised a systems composed of 3 points:

Computer rankings: An Excel spreadsheet using formulas devised in a freshman-level community college technology course by a young man we refer to only as “Uno” will calculate all statistical data used for the poll. We don’t know exactly how Uno devises his statistics, but he assures us he is, “on it, doggone it” and we trust him because he claims to have saved the princess “three times” in Super Mario Bros. Of course, Uno still uses Windows 95, so his portion of the data may be a little suspect.

Human Polls: This factor is based solely on the eyeball test. We ask questions like: How did the candidate perform at the most recent debate? How did they handle the press this week? Did the presidential candidate make himself look like a moron? Basically we use the scientific method of reading the newspaper and making a value judgment. I am told this is EXACTLY how John McCain ended up with Sarah Palin as a running mate.

The X-Factor : No, I’m not talking about the terrible Fox TV show starring Simon Cowell’s chest hair and Nicole Scherzinger’s lip gloss. We calculate the unquantifiable gaffe or triumph of the week and figure that in our formula with a solar-powered Texas Instrument calculator.

So here are the presidential rankings for the first week:

Newt Gingrich – Newt Gingrich was having a great week until he let it slip that he wouldn’t separate illegal immigrant parents for their children. Of course the Republican party does not allow any level of humanity toward their fellow man. Although Newt is smart, has the most well-rounded conservative ideas and is leading in some polls, some people think this is just a temporary bounce, because he has a well-known douchebaggery reserve. Most pundits think that Newt will do something crazy again, like divorce his wife while she is sick with cancer, talk about balancing the budget while having a million-dollar line of credit at a high-end jewelry store, rail against lobbyist and mortgage lenders while receiving millions from mortgage lenders as a lobbyist…

Mitt Romney – Mitt Romney is the Boise State of the Presidential Championship Series. He seems to have the easiest schedule, a lot of money and never loses. The problem is, no one seems to ever want to vote for him. No one thinks he is a real Republican, like no one thinks Boise State is a real football team. Mitt Romney created Obamacare before Obamacare existed for heaven’s sake. That is the presidential politics equivalent of playing on blue turf. There is one SURE way to lead the Republican polls at some point- just not have the name “Mitt Romney.” Romney’s major flaw is that he has more flip flops more than a redneck pool party, and if there’s one thing Republicans love, it is someone who is steadfast in their stupidity

Herman Cain – Most people seem to think Herman Cain entered the race so he could sell books and garner high speaking fees. I have another theory – He did it for the chicks. Anyone who would leave a job where they got free pizza is suspect, and deserves more scrutiny. He falls to number 3 this week after an incredible gaffe in which he blanked in front of a newspaper’s editorial board. I think this gives him more credibility. If he can’t remember his stance on Libya, maybe he really doesn’t remember sexually harassing those five women. On the other hand, he does want to electrocute illegal immigrants. As this piece was going to press, a woman from his past revealed that she had a 13-year relationship with her, but he claims there was no sex. Any man who carries on a 13-year”inappropriate” relationship, pays a woman’s bills and still can’t close the deal is not fit to be President.

Rick Perry – Rick Perry is the Oklahoma of the presidential race. He was leading in the presidential polls, until the season actually started, and he choked. There are three reasons Rick Perry can’t win…

One: He is a terrible debater

Two: He isn’t that smart

Three: ummm…. well… what’s the third one???? ….oops.

Ron Paul – Ron Paul has well-thought out ideas based soundly on his interpretation of the constitution and our freedoms. There is only one problem: His ideas are CRAZY!!!!. He does, however, have a loyal following of white separatists, skinheads and people who live on compounds in Wyoming. He also might be able to solve America’s economic problems because he has that lucrative job as the model on the Lucky Charms box, and he may know where the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is hidden.

Michele Bachman – Michele Bachman had a terrible week. After crying because CBS revealed they wouldn’t concentrate on her during the debate because she was too low in the polls, she fell into another controversy when Questlove played the song “Lying A** B**ch” when she was introduced on the Jimmy Fallon show. I think it’s hard for voters to take her seriously because she believes the way to solve the illegal immigration problem is to build TWO fences. Plus, she has the “crazy eyes.”

John Huntsman – Among this crazy group of Republicans’ being the presidential candidate that makes the most sense is actually a drawback. John Huntsman is the only presidential candidate who has a reasonable position on almost every issue. He’s like Houston – he’s undefeated, but no one cares.