Presidential Championship Series Week Two

December 10, 2011 Posted by Michael Harriot in The Way I See It

Presidential Championship Series Week Two

Republican Presidential Championship Series

Presidential Championship Series Week Two

The college football season is over, and while we wait for the millions of bowl games to begin, our Presidential Championship Series uses the same formula as college football to rank the contenders for the Republican Presidential nomination. Check out last week’s rankings here

1. Newt Gingrich – It seems as if everyone is hopping on the Gingrich bandwagon, and after inexplicably surging up the polls last week, he continues to hold on to the number one spot. He now holds a major lead in all of the early primary states. Political analysts claim this is because all of his dirty laundry has already aired, and if this teaches us anything, it is to be a jerk early in your career. Unlike Herman cain, who waited until he was in the national spotlight to reveal his infidelities, Newt left his first wife while she was stricken with cancer early in his career, and then claims to have found religion. He calls Mitt Romney a “flip flopper” but Gingrich aired a commercial with the hated Nancy Pelosi earlier this year to fight global warming, and now says climate change is a hoax. Now he has agreed to appear in Donald Trump’s upcoming debate because if there is ANYONE who knows about having multiple ex-wives, looking like a buffoon on television and making money from the success you had earlier in your career, it is “The Donald.”

2. Ron Paul – In second place this week is Ron Paul, who is like a team in a non-BCS conference who runs a crazy offense, and seems to get a few votes every year. Ron Paul has apparently grabbed momentum from the Republican electorate who is disenchanted with Mitt Romney, and doubtful of Newt Gingrich. Paul is the least good-looking of all of the potential nominees, but he seems to have learned the secret a guy once told me in the back of a smoky nightclub about picking up women: “Sometimes it doesn’t matter how ugly you are. If everyone else is a liar, you have to be sincere. If every other guy is cool, you can be awkward. There are always a few people looking for someone who is different.” He has proven that he is sincere and different; promising to shut down the Department of Education and the Federal Reserve has been a part of his platform since day one. Even the litany of racist and hateful speech in his past can’t shake off his diehard supporters. If Ron Paul can get the nomination, he may be the most unattractive candidate since Grover Cleveland (whom I’ve never seen, but just assume that someone named “Grover” isn’t very handsome).

3. Mitt Romney – Mitt Romney has been hanging at the top of the PCS since election season began. Most pundits attribute it to the fact that he is handsome, unobjectionable and never really says anything. Now that the other candidates have started swinging at him, he has started to drop like Boise State after a loss. I still believe he’ll get the nomination, because his strategy is like the tortoise racing the hare: “slow and steady wins the race.” When everyone who is running against you has some measure of “crazy” in their blood, just stay sane. He refuses to give interviews with journalists, or even have conversations with voters, and if you notice him on the news, they show pictures of Romney, but never air any substantial quotes. I believe this is because Mitt Romney is actually a Transformer programmed to shake hands, kiss babies, and when he finally becomes President, he will transform into a car right before our eyes. Because of his personality, he won’t transform into a cool car, instead he’ll be something sensible and safe – like a Honda Civic. This may be unnerving for some, but not me. If he appoints Optimus Prime as Secretary of State, other countries would be less inclined to screw around with America.

4. Michele Bachman – Ol’ Crazy Eyes loses momentum every week. This week she was confronted during a campaign stop by an 8-year old son of a gay couple who took exception to her classification of homosexuals needing to be fixed. She and her husband own a clinic that claims to have “healed” gay people. While I doubt this is true, if she possesses the power to change an individual’s attitude about sex, I am going to personally donate the money for a visit by Herman Cain. I hope you will donate too. You might be saying “Herman Cain’s sexual proclivities don’t affect me,” but trust me, considering the number of women that have come out against Herman Cain, sooner or later he is gonna get to you (or your girlfriend), and when you feel that cold, ashy hand sliding up your skirt, you’ll wish Bachman was around.

5. John Huntsman – John Huntsman continues to be the only sane candidate in the race, even though he isn’t performing well. He’s like a school from the ACC – Even though you might win your conference, everyone knows you won’t win the title. Huntsman declined joining Donald Trump’s debate this week, saying he refuses to be a part of a circus. If this is true, he should drop out of the race now, because if you want the Republican nomination, at the very least, you have to wear a little clown makeup.

6. Rick Perry – Rick Perry is sliding down to the bottom of the polls, even after he declared that God told him to run. He is like Notre Dame, he has a lot of fans, a religious base, great recruiting but just can’t win. Being as dumb as a bag of rocks might get you elected Governor of Texas, but it hurts you when you are running for President. This week, he blamed Barack Obama and the Supreme Court because people “can’t celebrate Christmas,” while at the same time forgetting that there are actually 9 Supreme Court justices (he claimed there were 8, which might get him to the showcase showdown if this were “The Price Is Right”). He also declined to appear at the Trump debate hosted by Newsmax, but probably because he thought it might somehow involve actual reading. I’m sure his Bible probably has pictures in it.

7. Rick Santorum – Like Vanderbilt, he’s smart, but always in last place. Why? Have you googled the definition of the word “Santorum” yet?

OUT OF THE POLL BUT STILL RECEIVING VOTES: Herman Cain – whose numerous affairs derailed his chance at the Presidency. The most disappointing thing about Herman Cain is that a CEO millionaire could only “pull” over-the-hill, post-menopausal, unemployed women looking for a come-up from someone who worked at Godfather’s Pizza. I bet the delivery drivers got better looking women. Because of his lust, America lost the architect of both the 9-9-9 plan and free cheesy bread. Poor us. Cain closed the press conference to announce the suspension of his campaign with a quote from “The Pokemon Movie.” How appropriate, but he probably did it only because he thought the speechwriter said “Poke-a-mom.”