Champion of the Crazies (Part 2)

March 26, 2011 Posted by Michael Harriot in Features, The Way I See It

This continues our quest to crown the Champion of the Crazies. read the first part here

Tom Cruise vs. Charlie Sheen

As we continue with our first round matchups, Charlie Sheen locks up with Tom Cruise in a battle of leading men losing their sanity right before our eyes.

Before we saw Tom Cruise jump up and down on Oprah’s couch (which would have been received with a severe slapping in my mother’s house) he seemed to be one of Hollywood’s biggest and brightest young stars. Little did we know that the “crazy” seeds had already been planted inside the deep, dark recesses of his soulless brain years ago. We won’t fault Tom for being a Scientologist and believing that the evil Lord Xenu came to earth thousands of years ago, landing in a volcano, which subsequently exploded, releasing evil into the world. While that might sound kinda crazy, it is a legitimate religion followed by the likes of Will Smith, Kirstie Alley, John Travolta, and at one time, Michael Jackson. Those people couldn’t all be crazy, could they?

When video surfaced last year of Cruise telling other Scientologists that he has rid himself of evil with the Scientology-approved, mind-reading e-meter, and now had superpowers that won’t allow him to just pass by a car wreck because of his “awesome gift and responsibility,” I knew he would make this year’s Tournament of Crazy, and could possibly win it. Recently there has been speculation that Katie Holmes was handpicked to marry Cruise because their child, according to prophecy, would be the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard (the founder of Scientology.) That is almost crazy enough for Cruise to win the entire championship.

Except…

He is facing a legendary maniac who is flaming out at a rate never seen before. Somewhere in the afterlife, Rick James is looking down (or up) at Charlie Sheen and saying “wow!” Sheen played the lead character on a sitcom that aired 24 episodes a year, paying him $1.8 million each episode but left it all to cavort with porn stars and apparently roll around in cocaine. I know a woman who gave back a $10,000 engagement ring because she “loved somebody else.“ I told her she was either crazy, or really in love. In Charlie Sheen’s case, it is both. Sheen loves cocaine AND he is mind-numbingly wonderfully crazy. If crazy came from a well, Charlie’s would be bottomless. This website, server and possibly the entire internet don’t have enough bandwidth to describe all of Sheen’s sex-filled, drug fueled exploits, so lets break down his lunacy scientifically, using ONLY words he actually said:

“I was banging seven-gram rocks because that’s how I roll. I have one speed. I have one gear: Go.”
“I’m sorry man, I’ve got magic and I’ve got poetry in my fingertips, you know, most of the time, and that includes naps.”
“I am on a drug, and it’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body>“
On Chuck Laurie, the executive producer of Two and a Half Men: “I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists.”
“I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have Tiger Blood and Adonis DNA.
Upon receiving a termination letter from his TV show: “This is very good news. They continue to be in breach, like so many whales. It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of their bazillions, never have to look at whatshis**** again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension.”

WINNER: Tom Cruise’s insanity is institutional, while Sheen’s seems to be drug-induced, but when you look at it scientifically, there is no choice but to declare Sheen the victor. After all, he is always “WINNING.”.

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