Choosing a "Champion" of the Crazies
At this very moment, all across America, people are huddled around water coolers, lunch tables and computer screens to participate in one of the greatest traditions in all of sport: Filling out their NCAA brackets. While the Super Bowl captures our attention like no other sporting event, there is something special about college basketball’s tournament that fascinates even the most casual fan – everyone in the field has a chance to win. Small historically black colleges with matchbox gyms get to compete with powerhouse schools with enough fans to host their basketball games in domed stadiums. It is the ultimate test of the “equality of the playing field.”
While waiting for the NCAA tournament field to be announced during a newscast, sitting through story after story of the wild rantings of Glen Beck, Charlie Sheen and Michele Bachman, I had an epiphany: What if we held our own tournament featuring all of the wildly insane celebrities that seem to be losing their minds lately? It would be an epic battle of witless egomaniacs, the likes of which we haven’t seen since Puck spat on David in the first season of “The Real World” – a college-style, bracket-busting, free-for-all for the ultimate title of “Champion of the Crazies.”
Think about it. Being referred to as “crazy” is one thing, but having pitted your insanity match-for-match against a pool of your sycophantic equals, fighting your way to the finals, and emerging victorious is a far more glorious achievement. So we present you with your tournament: The National Championship of the nut cases. The Playoff of the Psychos . The “Big Dance” for the demented. Out participants were selected by a panel of experts including psychiatrists, therapists and people who pay crackheads a dollar to do the Cabbage Patch on the corner. As with the real NCAA tournament, the winner (or loser) will receive no cash or prize, except for the mutual respect of their semi-insane peers around the globe.
Every day we will go through the tournament match-by-match until one man (or woman) emerges victorious. Please remember, this is a highly scientific process calibrated through research, polling and simply making stuff up, so sit back, grab a beer, and watch the magic unfold.
Day 1: Lindsay Lohan vs. Gary Busey
Although this is the first match of the tournament, it is one of the most anticipated. Once a cute child actress, Lindsay propelled herself into the stratosphere of Hollywood’s A-list…
And then we watched it eat her alive.
Once, on the subway, I saw a cute little freckled faced boy carrying a white mouse in a small box. Every few seconds he would peek into the box as if to make sure the cute little mouse was still there. After a few minutes, I struck up a conversation, and in toddler talk, I asked him why he wanted a mouse for a pet.
He replied, “So I can feed it to my snake.”
I feel the same way about Lindsey Lohan. I peeked under the boxtop to watch her in The Parent Trap, and Mean Girls, but just when she was ready for real stardom, we fed her to the DUI inducing, high-speed-chasing, free-cocaine-and-champagne-in-the-VIP-section offering, Tinseltown snake.
If, however, there was anyone who could match Lindsay’s frenetic climb to the top of crazy mountain, it would be Gary Busey. While some of the younger readers may not respect Busey’s stardom, I still remember that he was nominated for an Oscar – probably the biggest honor bestowed upon a movie star. While there are many others who have achieved this honor, in the pantheon of insanity Busey stands alone. Just pick a random episode of Celebrity Rehab and focus on Busey. In the last season that Busey appeared on the show, Dr. Drew Pinsky ruled out drugs as a contributing factor to Gary’s madness. In other words’ he diagnosed Busey as simply, medically “crazy.” I am sure 99%of the people he encounters are afraid of him, and THAT is why he edges out Lindsay Lohan in the opening matchup. If you are ever unfortunate enough to gaze directly into his eyes, you will know Gary Busey is bonkers for real. He is the truth. He is this season’s BYU. If he were more famous, he’d easily have a number one seed in the tournament.
While Lindsay seems to be on a (hopefully) temporary binge of alcohol and her drug-of-choice, Gary has a permanent state of psychosis that seems to stretch beyond egomania or drugs. In a close match, Busey edges Lohan at the buzzer.